Lucifer is Crafty, my Brethren

It's no secret I like a good game of Zuma, and I have been able to put aside my initial repulsions to the blatant idolatry through prayer and mediprayertation.  Now I have this phone to run the whole FLDS thing and it seems that it's been infiltrated by Lucifer.  I tried touching the screen where it said bluetooth since blue teeth are an invitation to demonic posession and I had heard that you can add and remove things from these phones nowadays.  Well brothers (and sisters who are allowed to read) next thing I knew there were three or four small demons in my phone that demanded to be hurled at somewhat poorly built structures. I learned from Jesse Dangler Whitesteed that people call these little demons angry birds.  It is terribly distracting when I am on a call with HEAVENLY FATHER and the phone starts beeping because some small demon wants to be hurled at a claptrap that most certainly represents my faith.  HEAVENLY FATHER can't get it off his phone either, but he is due for an upgrade soon.

I'm back like I forgot somethin'

I heard that line in a song once - I thought it was pretty clever so I used it.  Let me apologize for my absence brethren.  I was fervently campaigning for the prophet job.  Now some of you may have heard that Warren named his brother (not Chuy, but the other one) as his successor.  HEAVENLY FATHER has asked me to tell you that he and Warren aren't speaking anymore as it is very difficult to get messages into prison even if you are a divine being.  HEAVENLY FATHER has given me his support for the prophet job and I have many devoted followers.  A good brother in HEAVENLY FATHER named Mike or something (Lucifer is besieging my internet connection so it would take forever to click the link right now) has turned from his pagan ways and become a devoted FLDS high priest.  Yea, he will certainly be a god one day and have a really fast plane.  This brother has offered to personally murder any blogger I dislike.  The spirit of HEAVENLY FATHER is strong in this one.  And for every right hand man (Captain Mike), there is a left hand man.  I'm talking to you Elder Younger, shape up boy or you'll loose one of your wives to Chuy.  With this support I officially declare myself spiritual leader of the FLDS church.  May HEAVENLY FATHER bless us all, most notably myself and Sky Captain over there, and to a much lesser degree, Elder Younger.

Ok, now tweetBlogging

The Jessop Boy (who it turns out is a nephew of mine a few times removed - creepy in retrospect) said I am not tweetblogging but that involved twitter.  I looked it up on my computer and figured out what it was.  Bill Hunter Stallion has given me a new phone so that I can do the twitter for my campaign.  It does not have the snake game on it but I have recently become involved in a different computer game called Zumba (note: I have studied this with other clergymen on their blogs and this is not idolatry).  Anyway loyal brethren, I will be twatting HEAVENLY FATHER's word incessantly provided I can find that new phone, it is much smaller than my old one.

Still tweetblogging about the trial

It seems in the devil's land people are put on trial many times.  Warren is now in court again but his attorneys (devil men and women) are in charge now.  The time has come brethren to move leadership in a different direction - a more Stalliony direction.  We know that Joseph Smith got a good deal in Heaven and probably a planet or two because he got killed in prison and therefore somehow martyred. Now fellas, planets are like wives - there are only so many to go around.  We really don't want Warren getting 4 or 5 planets while we all have to share one and be apostles or something on one of his planets (I am working on a deal with HEAVENLY FATHER to be a Jesus one day and I don't want that messed up by Warren.
Basically Elders we need a new leader soon before Warren gets killed in jail.  I am fairly certain that if you are not the active leader the martyrship is not 100%, so brethren if you all want your own planet consider praying me into the leadership spot.
Tomorrow night we will have a campaign/prayer meeting at my compound. Ehpraimina is baking cookies.

Should we always listen when HEAVENLY FATHER speaks?

Brethren:  I have a weighty matter on my mind.  My chief wife has been humbly suggesting that I apply for a new job (I know brethren, I shouldn't let her act up like that but she has a few pounds on me). The problem is the want ad read: "prophet, large (5000+) church, must speak regularly with HEAVENLY FATHER, must also be down with... things"  I'm pretty sure that's Warren's old job. Well I gave HEAVENLY FATHER a call and after I told him about it he said, "You should pray on it Ephraim."
so I said "can I just leave you a voicemail?"
and he said ok but that he didn't always get his messages right away and it might be tomorrow before he got back to me.  Now when HEAVENLY FATHER says tomorrow he usually means in a thousand years, am I right guys?  So I just asked him really quick if I should be the new prophet and he said "sure, why not."
So then I asked him about being a Jesus one day and he said the call was breaking up but to put it in the voice mail.
So brethren, I am officially throwing my hat in the ring as Warren's replacement.  I believe my chief qualification is that I like em a little older and won't get us into much trouble.  I appreciate your support.

A thought on Warren's thoughts

Now that HEAVENLY FATHER has some free time on his hands we had coffee together this morning.  Turns out he wasn't talking to Warren most of that time.  When he did talk to Warren it was stuff like 'you really shouldn't fire your lawyers, haven't I told you to wait until they're 18, are you really going to wear that tie with that suit, etc.' 
We were trying to puzzle it out and HEAVENLY FATHER thinks it's simple miscommunication.  You see brethren, we all have little nicknames for our garment filler (I call mine Elder Johnson).  Turns out Warren's nickname for his was heavenly father (note the absence of capital letters).  Well, when you say certain things in that context it could be taken wrong, for instance:
"heavenly father is pleased"
"heavenly father told me to marry you"
"open up for heavenly father"
Boy, that last one had us laughing really hard.  Coffe came out of HEAVENLY FATHER's nose.
I asked him if he thought I would make a good Jesus one day and he changed the subject real quick.  Oh well.

Well, that's unfortunate

HEAVENLY FATHER just told me to relay the following prophesy/email:  "I totally was never down with that and I ain't taking the rap for some pedo." 
Well, I guess now I'll have to post about something different until the appeals process/Rapture starts.